Episode 52 – What Esther Perel Taught Me About IBS + Trusting Yourself
The other day my husband and I were eating lunch and I was telling him about a dream that I had had and how it was connected to my life currently and a certain problem I have been wrestling with in my business. Today I’m going to explain my dream, my conversation and this podcast recommendation so that I can illustrate to you the importance of choosing the right practitioner to help you heal and seeing where you can trust yourself as well.
Today’s episode will dive into how to navigate getting help for your IBS, while holding your own truth at the same time and why this is so essential for healing. We’ll discuss the murky territory of certainty and ambiguity as we get into an goal setting or aiming to solve for problems in your life, such as IBS -but also others as you will see.
Find the full transcript for this episode at healingheribs.com/52
IBS and Dreams
The dream that I had that started this conversation was a super fascinating one, in which my husband was supposed to pick someone up at the airport but then fell asleep and left this person waiting at the airport.
The person my husband was supposed to pick up is someone that I know, and someone that I have always disliked because of a few conversations that I had had with them. What I took away was that this person was very arrogant and was not willing or able to listen to my perspective and move towards me in anyway because he was stuck in his opinion and beliefs.
This person is actually very successful in his life, meaning that he gets a lot done and has a good job and does well for himself. I suddenly made this certain connection—that maybe one of the key reasons that he has done so well is his unshakable confidence in himself and in his beliefs. A part of me applauds this aspect and I think we should all be able to access this level of confidence and security in ourselves, especially women.
Maybe you have already guessed that this person that I dreamt about was a man!! Because of the way men are socialized as opposed to how I and other women are socialized, he was rewarded for this arrogant disposition, while I was more rewarded for not speaking out too much. In fact in high school if I did make a comment in class, I would hear the boys behind me, taunting me and calling me a “feminazi”…if you grew up in the 90s this may make sense.
Anyhow, there’s a part of me that is envious of this man’s undeniable certainty in who he is and what he thinks.
On the other hand, another part of me rejects this man —especially the coach part of me that knows that my reality, my “map” you could say is just mine. Of course, we are all human and we share so much, but as a practitioner I know in my bones that I can’t pretend to know the history, experiences and beliefs of another person, until I ask and until I am let into this person’s world.
And this is where the work can be done and has been done in my life and has been so impactful. But working with practitioners in the health space or the psychology space can also be frustrating when the expert that you are working with has a very solidly developed idea of what is “true” and imposes that diagnosis, treatment plan, or just opinions and beliefs onto you without listening or being open minded to other possibilities.
As I was talking with my husband, he agreed with me as he has had chronic back issues for the past fifteen years. He has seen many practitioners trying to find a permanent solution to his pain (chiropractor’s, doctors, physical therapists).
He wanted to be able to find answers and solutions and many of those practitioners were helpful and did give him helpful information about his back and what he could do to manage his pain. Yet, there were others that presumed to know a lot about him and what was going on with his back without REALLY knowing or listening.
This type of healing work is not only not helpful, it can be harmful—as I saw further on that day.
IBS and Ester Perel
Later that same day after speaking with my husband at lunch about my dream and about our mutual acquaintance, I listened to an Ester Perel podcast called “Where should we begin?” if you haven’t listened to her podcasts or read her books, I would highly recommend you do so, she is a fascinating therapist and her perspective and way of phrasing things often rings very true to me.
In this episode, which I think was called “Was I used for a Visa” —Ester speaks with a woman who had recently broken up with a man that she had been with for many years, that she was very much in love with and felt that her ex-partner was a very loving partner during much of the relationship, though certain truths came out about him that surprised her as they broke up.
The main conflict that she brings to the session is a theory that a psychologist had brought to this woman about her relationship, the psychologist told the woman that her ex-partner was a narcissist and incapable of loving and that the woman herself was damaged and was basically “ a love addict” —that because of her personal family history, she was incapable of knowing and feeling what true love was.
This “diagnosis” from this psychologist —that this woman had met with two or three times was keeping the woman up at night, was keeping her in loop of confusion and despair because it was very hard for her to believe that her ex-partner was actually truly a narcissist and that he never actually loved her, this diagnosis just didn’t match her real life experience, a 5 yearlong actual life with this man.
This is why the woman came to speak to Ester, because she needed an answer: Was he a narcissist? Am I a love addict who can’t begin to understand what real love is?
Ester and her podcast guest went around the story, the history of the relationship and the looping thoughts and feelings that were destroying this woman’s life, she didn’t know how to move on with her life when this recent period was so fundamentally called into question.
The podcast guest wanted to know if the psychologist was right and if she should try and love again? If she would ever be able to love again? Was she capable?
What Ester said to this woman in the last 3 or 4 minutes of the podcast floored me in a resonant and simple way. Also, what she said was directly in connection with my dream the night before and my conversation with my husband over lunch that same day-so synchronicity at play—which I love!
Walking Together Through IBS
Ester told this woman that she had given over too much power to the psychologist and her opinion about her relationship. The woman agreed with Ester and emphatically told her, yes you are right! You are right!
And Ester shut her down.
Ester said she neither knew the answer to this question, she didn’t have a crystal ball.
Ester emphasized to this woman that neither one of them knew the truth about her life, the past or the present or the future, and that the error comes when the woman hands over her power and her truth to the opinion of someone else.
Ester told the woman not to fully trust her, or the psychologist but to instead reclaim that power and responsibility for herself, to own her narrative and her essential truth.
In life, there is no certainty and there will always be ambiguity. She said “It’s this and It’s that” —-it’s not one thing or the other, it’s both and some.
If as a practitioner, we pretend to have certainty when there is not certainty, we are doing a disserve to our clients. When as a practitioner we intend and pretend to have more power and knowledge than we have in the name of being an “expert” we are actively harming our clients, though we didn’t intend to.
The power of a good provider -client relationship is the beauty of sitting in the fog, the messy middle, of having someone stable to sit in the doubt with you, in the complexity and helping you take the next right step for you.
It’s like holding hands and walking through mist. Yes, you are lost, yes you want to know the “right way——how to get to where you want to go. This is so human, this is a desire I have all the time.
But when you are choosing a guide or support person to work with, stay present with yourself and with your truth. If someone claims to have all the answers for you right away, please know that can’t be true. You are unique, your body, your history and your story are all special to you.
Choose someone to work with that will walk beside you, empowering you to find the answers that resonate deeply with you.